Grateful 

As I sit here tonight, I’m engulfed in a calm wave passing over me. I sit, reflecting on this first month of 2017, and I am so very grateful. October, November and December 2016 were really hard for me. Probably the few months before as well. Turning 30, starting one of my dream jobs with my company, having to meet/talk to new people, hitting my highest weight and starting a commute that is the longest I’ve ever done really took a huge toll on me. I was depressed and it was affecting everything in my life. I realized how insecure I was; here I was getting this opportunity I’ve always wanted but I was terrified. I didn’t want people to notice my body, my size, notice how hard it was to move, instead of noticing me. I literally forgot I had great things to offer people and my job. This last month I have taken steps to go through bariatric surgery but in the end decided to postpone that and give myself one last shot at finding balance. I’ve lost weight before, that’s not the problem. It gaining it back. Letting my emotions happy or sad take over. I find that after adding exercise into my weekly routine and just making a few more healthy choices I am so-much-happier. I’m in so much less pain, I am finding my confidence again, and I have 11 lbs less to lose. I feel fantastic. Doing things that were hard before are so much easier. That’s in just 30 days. My mind is so calm. The goal for me is to find balance and be healthier for a long life if I’m lucky enough to live that long. God knows members of my family didn’t make it that far. 
I am so thankful. 

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Old habits Die Hard 

I was sitting on my couch relaxing this evening when I caught a glimpse of myself in the tint of a wine fridge that sits beside the couch. 

I was embarrassed. Disappointed. Scared. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach because for the first time in a long time I did not like what I saw staring back at me. My face has become so full round yet again. Unrecognizable. I’ve eaten my way to a really tough place to be. It makes you want to hide. Curl up and hide, alone, in the dark.  

Makes you wonder: what will it take to break bad habits and learn to never get back to this point again. It took me countless tries to quit smoking. Four full years and I could still easily start up again like I did all those years ago. I won’t, but I could. 

There comes a time when it just clicks. All the stars align and you have the willpower to do something you never thought possible many times before.  

There are many reasons why I go back and fourth. The pressure to do good. The “advice” and judgements from others. Putting your emotions out there for everyone to pick through. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s stressful. It can be daunting knowing people are counting on you to succeed. 

It can also be very rewarding. 

I’ve grown so much these last two years in self love and worth. Maybe it was the wrong kind. I didn’t need to stop completely. I wasn’t done yet. 

Maybe this is  my ahh hah moment. 

Powerful Video 

Sometimes I wonder if strolling through all these fitness pages and body image instagrams is more harmful than helpful. Yes, they can motivate you but they can also make you be way too hard on yourself. There’s a difference between holding yourself accountable and beating yourself up. Life throws enough things in our way, don’t put yourself in your own way too!   

Sometimes I do come across things that leave me breathless. This video that I saw today did just that. Here is the link please watch it, it’s very short:  http://youtu.be/PsL7W-GHhJA 

She is a fit, beautiful girl and those words thrown across the screen are real. There will always be people who have something negative to say about you and what you’re doing. I feel like that video said everything without saying much at all. Powerful. My response immediately was “I would change nothing”. Not for anyone else at least. One of my insecurities that I read once was “you can’t promote health and fitness if you’re fat”. Well, I can and I will and when I get to where I want to be, HEALTHY, I’ll remember my journey and what it took to get there. 

  

(Not current results) that was the first time I lost weight. 

Be kind to one another. We only have one life to live. 

Xoxo V 

Bye Bye Rut

Well these last few weeks have been very challenging to say the least. First it started with making a huge change in my work life that I wasn’t 100% sure of. I was going back and fourth only to myself and keeping the weight of the decision I ultimately ended up making to myself. It was a shocker to most and I am still not sure if I made the perfect decision career wise, but I do know I am going to use this time to focus on what I need to: my health and my future. I am so very grateful the company I work for supports us in our dreams.  People that know me know I make things harder on myself. I’m really not sure why I do things that way, but that’s how it’s always been. For example, in school I never ever studied for tests or wrote papers early I waited until the night before and let the immense pressure I felt fuel me to get things done.  I have definitely improved on that but I do see it now in certain areas of my life. I’m thinking that’s what I am doing now with this weight loss challenge. 

After making that huge decision to step away from my leadership position, I got really sick. Sick for 9 days. Just a bad cold or something but it really took it out of me. I was too weak to work out, craved comfort food, slept when I wasn’t working ( it was Easter week and when you work in a bakery you do not miss Easter week) so I started to feel FLABulous instead of fabulous. That right there is where I need to work on my mindset and will power. When I feel set back or too much pressure I shut down and run from it. I just don’t deal with it. After I recovered from being sick I got in a few wonderful, extra-challenging work outs with Ben. They seemed so much harder then usual probably because I was recovering but I loved every minute of it. Even when I cursed his name 🙂  and then a few days later I woke up with back pain that I had never felt before. I had an (never) injury a year or so ago but it went away. This was intense. I couldn’t drive my car because I couldn’t use my foot for my clutch, I couldn’t stand up straight, I slept horribly and I had to basically sit up. I walked with my knees bent and leaning forward until my back loosened up. Went to the doctor and they basically said grin and bear it until it goes away. It was 5 days of no relief. I even pulled up my pants too quickly (and ladies with booties know that you stop right before your butt to get a better grip and pull them up and over your hump)  it jammed my butt into my lower back and I sat in the bathroom and cried for 15 minutes trying to pull myself together. I was so scared. More scared than I even realized. What if it wouldn’t go away, what if I can’t work out any more, no more yoga?!  The pain subsided and currently im feeling much better. There still is pain deep in my hips but I’m trying to work it out.  Basically these events all pulled together one after another and I couldn’t handle it. I gave up for a bit, said “fuck it”. Are whatever I wanted to make me feel better and right now I am getting better but my body feels like crap. I’ve put it through a lot it didn’t deserve. I should have treated my body better when I was stressed and sick. Right now it feels like I am starting over from the beginning. 

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly motivated and much happier than I have these past few weeks.  I woke up and tried some yoga for your hips and siatica :  

http://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Yoga-Sciatica-23949884

I love Pinterest. 

It felt amazing. I particularly loved pigeon and pigeon four those felt like they really concentrated on those areas that were hurting the most. 

I’m back and more ready than ever, although I will be proceeding with caution and working out smarter in hopes that will never happen again. 

  

Xoxo feeling beautiful 

Current struggle

   The way my body feels doesn’t equal what I see in the mirror. My body feels strong and secure. Then I catch a glance in the mirror and I feel like I can’t still look like this. My workouts have improved tremendously and I am thrilled to feel that difference. I still move away from the mirror sometimes because let’s face it sometimes it’s hard to even believe. I was explaining to my mother that I feel like I’m tight like a coresette on the inside but I have a bunch of heavy curtains hanging off of me. My body will eventually catch up with my mind and muscle! 

 

Pushed Past Limits 

I’ve been busy and lazy all at the same time. I have not been managing my time wisely and put this journey second to other things. As a result I haven’t seen the results I would like to have by now. I sat back and looked at how long I’ve been doing this and I FREAKED OUT. March is almost OVER! Are you joking. Three months. I could definitely be farther along. 

History has shown whenever you’ve become complacent life will show you the reasons why you started or reasons to not be complacent. I have two that happened in the last two weeks; one a picture and two a surprise visit. 
It was my boyfriend and his brothers birthday and we had been having a great time hanging out. Someone had a Polaroid camera and  decided to take a picture of D and I. I watched that picture magically come to life, as they do, and what I saw I just couldn’t comprehend. I do not feel like that woman in those pictures!  Maybe that’s because I am stronger physically but the picture did not represent exactly how I feel inside. I noticed for the last week or so I have had a hard time looking in the mirror and not picking every little thing apart. 
The surprise visit happened when I was at work and when I feel most uncomfortable in my body; I wear a white shirt and feel like a gosh darn marshmallow. So my mother and sister come have lunch with me every Saturday and she had told me she was bringing someone. When she showed up standing next to her was my uncle. My uncle I haven’t seen for probably a decade! After I got over my initial surprise and wiped away the tears reality set in and I was more mortified that my uncle hadn’t seen me in years and this is what he was getting? A marshmallow of a niece. Gosh the judgment I brought upon myself. The lunch was almost  unenjoyable because I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. What a great surprise though. 
Today was such an intense work out. So intense I think it was the second time I was ever angry at Ben, my trainer. Angry in a good way. He pushed me to a place I have not been to yet and it was uncomfortable and emotional. My roommate said it best “there is no feeling like it”. No feeling that can compare. I was shaking. My arms FELT as if they couldn’t do anymore and they did. I was wicked sore from yesterday and my muscles wanted to kill me! I’m feeling unbelievably tired but unbelievably proud. I asked him if he was available tomorrow for some more “torture”. 
Never forget why you started. Remind yourself every single day. At first they will ask why you are doing it and soon they will ask how you did it. 
Xoxo 
V.